Smoking Mirror

This town... suffocates me. Too many memories keep creeping up into my psyche, haunting me of what was a terrible adolescence. I think I've gotten hammered near every night I've been back. What's more, there's no cultural outlet that isn't on the Internet or one of my distance-challenged friends. I feel like I'm isolated, working some Siberian mining camp. Not to discount my friends that are still here, because I love all of you to death. I just feel that this town doesn't exactly have what I'm seeking out (like cheap Heineken, for example). This entire part of North Dakota doesn't have what I'm seeking out: culture in the form of movies and music, fantastic hookups, and sexual fetishism that I can support. I feel like a total oddity. I can't do this for much longer. If I don't escape, I fear damaging repercussions. I know I've been overly dramatic lately, but it's a reaction to memories that have been drudged up again and amplified 1000 times, just for being back. It's almost like I'm admitting defeat.... again. I want therapy. I crave such an idea, hoping that such such a thing could actually cure me from my standstill in life. I have no motivation whatsoever to better myself, and it could quite possibly be related to being trapped in the past. I have evolved faster than this town ever will and am paying the consequence for my enlightenment. I cannot help that I was born this way, as how I cannot help that I am a product of my environment. My problem is that my environment shaped me to be a character lacking in self-confidence, who needs guidance but is reluctant to seek it out. I need help. I feel that a perfectly good head is being destroyed by self-doubt and a lack of desire to better oneself. This is self-destructiveness at its purest form. This is a ticking time bomb.